ARGUABLY THE BEST MOVIE ever made. It is. Apologies in advance, I curse like a rum drunk sailor in this post. But I’m talkin bout the first movie. The one establishing the premise; not the rest of them. Forget the rest of them. Eye candy. I like eye candy. Forget eye candy.
Everyone knows the first Matrix movie. Super old. Remember when it came out, 1999? Mid-Friday. Everyone at my job went to the theater to see it. I got stuck in the front row ’cause it was sold out. Saw nothing… stared up Neo’s and Morpheus’ noses for two hours. Goop in Keanu’s nasal cavities. Don’t know the movie’s booger editors. But they failed. Still, I loved the film. Special effects. Bending-over-backwards. Bullets. Slowly missing your face.
Super cool, ya’ll.
But after The Matrix came out, the effects got overdone. Tons of movies copied it. Some flicks made fun of it; I think it was Scary Movie 3? The main character did the same stuff. The ‘Scream’ character? Bent over backwards and snapped his back. Got stuck. Played out to hell.
But the premise of The Matrix is amazing.
The world is taken over by artificial intelligence that we created. It uses humans as its power source and enslaves our species. But does it in a way that makes us believe it’s not happening. Basically, we’re naked. Fueling their existence with ours. Meanwhile, we’re maintained by ingesting liquefied humans ’cause we gotta be fed. It’s upsetting. We slurpee other people’s bodies. Mixed with bananas. Or whatever you puree human flesh with to make it not taste like flesh of a human. Maybe cilantro?
The machines created a fake version of the real-world, enabling us to chase each other’s tails. While we do that; we think we’re solving real-life problems. Instead, we’re plugged into the MiPhone 9000XS in the future, spinning. Circles. Puppies. Chasing tails.
Seriously though, we think we’re solving important issues in life. We’re not. I wondered about this the other day. What’s the most recent crisis I averted with my computer or cell-phone?
I created one though.
Last week, I checked my Twitter feed whilst zigzagging across the street in downtown San Francisco. Paying no attention to where I was going. This lady ran into me with her car. Afterward… she trembled and wept ’cause she almost killed me.
I created a crisis in her life.
I’m fine though.
I mean… I’m not fine-fine. My knee’s a little sore. But while she got consoled by unbelievably-nice strangers. Seriously. They were super nice. I bent over, wincing for twenty minutes. Like, “Owwwwwwww.”
It hurt so bad.
Even now, it’s a little sore. But I’m okay.
Anyhoo, when we die of laziness, the machines pluck us out of the energy farm. Then send us to the blender to recharge other human batteries. Great concept for a movie. But… I feel like they plagiarized it.
Like the Wachowski brothers (I mean, sisters… Google it) stole it from our lives.
MOST PEOPLE I KNOW get up for work about five days a week. Don’t care if you’re self-employed or not. We all get s**t done.
I need to pause a minute for a disclaimer. What I’m about to say has nothing to do with the company I work for right now. The people I work with are the best people in the world. So are you.
You’re the best.
But going to friggin meetings? Talking to people you can’t friggin stand? Even if you can stand ’em, most of the folks we deal with at work? If not for work, would you hang with them?
Again, I am talking about most people. Or, is it just me?
Most of the folks, I work with are people who don’t wanna hang out with me. They don’t have the desire. Neither do I.
Used to have it though.
At my first few jobs I was like… I wanna see what these people are about. Everyone’s so interesting.
But now. I don’t know.
It’s just me.
Anyway, to be clear; my current job isn’t like that.
You’re not like that either.
I’d love to hang out with you ’cause you’re awesome.
But these corporations! What kills me is they don’t care. And that makes me not care. Because they want my money. I know. There’s nothing wrong with wanting money.
I want money.
Most corporations don’t give a frik what sleaze they do to get it from us though. Don’t care what ethical rules they break to grab our cash.
THERE’S A HUGE COMPANY that makes seed for farm crops. They use all kinds of chemicals in their product. Growth hormones and s**t. They fund elections and use political clout to pass legislation that further enables, and expands their business. Plus, they give farmers little choice but to use their company seed. And they sue farmers for replanting seeds on their own crops.
I’m no farmer.
I don’t know shit about farming.
But if I have a garden, I’m calling it my farm.
On my farm I want to buy whatever seed I wanna buy, with no pressure to purchase it. Then after I buy it, you bet your swingin ass I want to reuse the seed generated from what I bought.
Why would I not want that?
I bought it!
THERE’S THIS GLOBALLY SUCCESSFUL fast-food conglomerate. I’m not a scientist. I have no idea what’s in their food. You ever seen the movie, Super Size Me? This guy takes french fries from a fast food place and leaves them out for weeks? Then afterward, he checks the fries and they look delicious! I doubt the company making those fries, cares who eats their shit. They’re making good money. They don’t give a fuck if you’re brown, white, gay, transgender, or if you like watching elephants have sex.
But it’s not just American companies.
A GERMAN MANUFACTURER modified their American cars to trick smog tests. Americans spent tens of thousands on each car. We thought we bought environmentally friendly vehicles because we’re super nice. But these cars are environmentally evil. Maybe they’re dicks?
I don’t know.
My point is, this company deliberately cheated smog tests, and they did it so they could sell more cars in the U.S.
They lied, and eventually got caught. But I wonder… don’t mega-corporations have actuaries? Employees, who mitigate risk? These people calculate how bad the fallout will be from high-level business decisions. They equate how much money they’ll make from selling defective products in the U.S. Then they tally how much they’ll lose after they got caught. They subtract how much they’ll have to pay the U.S. government for lying, and they sum the projected liability from other lawsuits that might come their way? After that, they create profit and loss models, within acceptable margins of error.
Finally, they decide… we’re gonna net roughly eighty-trillion, selling this fucked up shit. And we’ll get caught. Then we’ll pay five-trillion or so in fines and liabilities.
I haven’t done the math on this.
But eighty-trillion dollars minus five-trillion dollars equals a lot.
Just carry the one.
There are more examples too.
A COMPANY IN JAPAN used a faulty supplier for their airbags. This one’s classic. When their airbags go off, they shoot metal in your face. Basically, the same time this airbag is saving you, it’s stabbing you in the mouth. Makes no sense, folks.
That’s like if I’m at the gym, bench pressing four-hundred pounds, maybe a little less than that. But I get stuck, and the weight falls. It’s crushing my chest. But some dude runs over, and he’s like.
“Whoa, bro! I got you man! You’re good!”
“Oh my God. Thank you, I thought I was dead.”
Then he spits in my face, and slams the weight on my chest?
How can I trust him after that? You saw what he did.
Not cool, bro.
CORPORATIONS ARE WORKING around government legislation, and screwing us over. They get our money the same way A.I. in The Matrix got our energy; they’re milking us, yo. They don’t care about your political affiliations. The money we give em looks the same no matter what; why would they care? Meanwhile, we’re busy buying new apps for bAndroid, or iMoan. The one that interfaces with my refrigerator? So I get notified when I’m out of almond milk? Then it automatically loads a half-gallon of nut milk in my online grocery basket?
Meanwhile, I’m bombarded with videos of people chasing each other’s strap-on-tails? Can someone stop this from happening?
This post is really about those stupid videos.
But in my defense, that’s why The Matrix is likely the best movie ever made.