ARGUABLY THE BEST MOVIE ever made, it is. My apologies in advance, I will curse like a rabid sailor in this post. I’m talking about the first movie, the one that established the premise; not the rest of them. Fuck the rest of them. They’re just eye candy. I like eye candy. But fuck eye candy.


Everyone knows the first Matrix movie. It’s super old. I remember when it came out, 1999? It was mid-Friday, and everyone at my job went to see it. I got stuck in the front row because it was sold out. I couldn’t see anything… just stared at Neo’s and Morpheus’ noses for two hours. In a few scenes, I saw green stuff in Keanu’s nose. I don’t know the movie’s editor’s. But they failed in that respect. Still, I loved the film. The special effects, and the-bending-over-backwards with bullets flying around your face?

Super cool, ya’ll.

But after The Matrix came out, the effects got overdone. Tons of movies copied it. Some flicks made fun of it; I think it was Scary Movie 3? The main character did the same stuff. The ‘Scream’ character? He bent over backwards and snapped his back and got stuck? It got played out to hell.

But the premise of The Matrix is amazing.

The world is taken over by artificial intelligence that we created. It uses humans as its power source, and enslaves our species. But does it in a way that makes us believe it’s not happening. Basically, we’re naked, fueling their existence with ours. Meanwhile, we’re maintained by ingesting deceased humans, because we gotta be fed. It’s upsetting. In this film, we slurpee other people’s bodies, mixed with bananas, or whatever you blend human flesh with to make it not taste like human flesh.

Maybe cilantro?

The machines have created a fake version of the real-world, enabling us to chase each other’s tails. While we’re doing that; we think we’re solving real-life problems. But instead, we’re plugged into an iPhone 9000X, in the future, spinning in circles like puppies chasing each other’s tails.

Seriously though, we think we’re solving important issues in life. But we’re not. I wondered about this the other day. What’s the last crisis I averted with my computer or cell-phone? None.

I created one though.

Last week, I checked my Twitter feed while zigzagging across the street in downtown San Francisco. I paid no attention to where I was going. And this poor lady ran into me with her car. Afterward, she trembled and wept because she almost killed me.
I created a crisis in her life.

I’m fine though.

I mean, I’m not fine-fine. My knee was a little sore. But while she was consoled by unbelievably-nice strangers… they were super nice. I bent over and winced for twenty minutes. I was like, “Owwwwwwww.”
It hurt so bad.
Even now it’s a little sore, but I’m okay.

I’m fine.

Anyhoo, when we die of laziness, the machines pluck us out of the energy farm. Then they send us to the blender to recharge other human batteries. Great concept for a movie. But I feel like they plagiarized it.

Like the Wachowski brothers (I mean, sisters) stole it from our lives.

The Rub

MOST PEOPLE I KNOW, get up for work at least five days a week. I don’t care if you’re self-employed or not, you still gotta get shit done.

I need to pause a minute for a disclaimer. What I’m about to say has nothing to do with the company I work for right now. The people I work with are the best people in the world. So are you.

You’re the best.

But going to fucking meetings? And talking to people you can’t fucking stand? Even if you can stand them, most of the folks we deal with at work? Ugh.

Again, I’m talking about most people I know. Or, is it just me?  

Most of the people I work with are people I never want to hang out with. I don’t have the desire. Neither do they.

I used to have it though.

At my first few jobs I was like… I wanna see what these people are about. Everyone’s so interesting.
But now, I don’t know.
I’m sure it’s just me.
Anyway, to be clear; my current job isn’t like that.

You’re not like that either. I’d love to hang out with you because you’re amazing.

But these corporations! What kills me is they don’t care. And that makes me not care, because they want my money. I know. There’s nothing wrong with wanting money.

I want money.

Most corporations don’t give a fuck what sleaze they do to get it from us though. Many of them don’t care what ethical rules they break to snag our cash.


THERE’S A HUGE COMPANY that makes seed for farm crops. They use all kinds of chemicals in their product. Growth hormones and shit. They fund elections and use political clout to pass legislation that further enables, and expands their business. Plus, they give farmers little choice but to use their company seed. And they sue farmers for replanting seeds on their own crops.
I’m no farmer.
I don’t know shit about farming.

But if I have a garden, I’m calling it my farm.

On my farm I want to buy whatever seed I wanna buy, with no pressure to purchase it. Then after I buy it, you bet your swingin ass I want to reuse the seed generated from what I bought.
Why would I not want that?

I bought it!


THERE’S THIS GLOBALLY SUCCESSFUL fast-food conglomerate. I’m not a scientist. I have no idea what’s in their food. You ever seen the movie, Super Size Me? This guy takes french fries from a fast food place and leaves them out for weeks? Then afterward, he checks the fries and they look delicious! I doubt the company making those fries, cares who eats their shit. They’re making good money. They don’t give a fuck if you’re brown, white, gay, transgender, or if you like watching elephants have sex.

But it’s not just American companies.


A GERMAN MANUFACTURER modified their American cars to trick smog tests. Americans spent tens of thousands on each car. We thought we bought environmentally friendly vehicles because we’re super nice. But these cars are environmentally evil. Maybe they’re dicks?

I don’t know.

My point is, this company deliberately cheated smog tests, and they did it so they could sell more cars in the U.S.

They lied, and eventually got caught. But I wonder… don’t mega-corporations have actuaries? Employees, who mitigate risk? These people calculate how bad the fallout will be from high-level business decisions. They equate how much money they’ll make from selling defective products in the U.S. Then they tally how much they’ll lose after they got caught. They subtract how much they’ll have to pay the U.S. government for lying, and they sum the projected liability from other lawsuits that might come their way? After that, they create profit and loss models, within acceptable margins of error.

Finally, they decide… we’re gonna net roughly eighty-trillion, selling this fucked up shit. And we’ll get caught. Then we’ll pay five-trillion or so in fines and liabilities.
I haven’t done the math on this.
But eighty-trillion dollars minus five-trillion dollars equals a lot.
Just carry the one.

There are more examples too.


A COMPANY IN JAPAN used a faulty supplier for their airbags. This one’s classic. When their airbags go off, they shoot metal in your face. Basically, the same time this airbag is saving you, it’s stabbing you in the mouth. Makes no sense, folks.

That’s like if I’m at the gym, bench pressing four-hundred pounds, maybe a little less than that. But I get stuck, and the weight falls. It’s crushing my chest. But some dude runs over, and he’s like.
“Whoa, bro! I got you man! You’re good!”
“Oh my God. Thank you, I thought I was dead.”
Then he spits in my face, and slams the weight on my chest?
How can I trust him after that? You saw what he did.

Not cool, bro.


CORPORATIONS ARE WORKING around government legislation, and screwing us over. They get our money the same way A.I. in The Matrix got our energy; they’re milking us, yo. They don’t care about your political affiliations. The money we give em looks the same no matter what; why would they care? Meanwhile, we’re busy buying new apps for bAndroid, or iMoan. The one that interfaces with my refrigerator? So I get notified when I’m out of almond milk? Then it automatically loads a half-gallon of nut milk in my online grocery basket?

Meanwhile, I’m bombarded with videos of people chasing each other’s strap-on-tails? Can someone stop this from happening?

This post is really about those stupid videos.

But in my defense, that’s why The Matrix is likely the best movie ever made.
– Booyah.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s